lost friend

I always thought that bp and I would be in each others' lives for a long time, that we were, above all, confidants and supportive friends. Because I always suspected that he was ambiguous about his sexuality and that one day, he would come out of the closet. He is a fantastic lover, and is very open and curious about sex. He is also highly adept at creating an enveloping sexual intimacy that is as addictive as any drug.

But mostly, what I always thought, was that one day, he would become comfortable with being gay. That he would announce this to me (in between all the huffing and deep exhales that punctuated our more difficult conversations) and I would mourn the lost experience of being his lover. But, that I would get over it and that it would strangely deepen our bond (and loosen the binds): that we were above all, confidants and supportive friends.

I just miss him, still.