Over and over again

I heard that little voice today. It said: "You have everything you need. You have everything you need. You have every little thing you need."

What a lovely, lovely realization. Happy Thanksgiving!

a couple of my favorite pics

Thailand, 2001ish

Just walk through . . .

what if it ain't rural binds?

O.K. Sooooo, aside from being an introvert, as it turns out, I'm just a little, well, weird. Enough to make navigating anybody's world very painful on my part, so I withdraw as frequently as possible. It's always been that way. And as much as people try to teach/show me the way "normal" people navigate various situations, it very rarely actually takes. I just don't give a rat's ass because it all seems like BS to me. I admire people who "get things done". I envy them and find that, for reasons I will never understand, they tend to think that I have the skills to be one of them. They quickly learn. And then, it just becomes uncomfortable.

Sooo, for my part, I gotta get out of situations like that. It's just that I grew up with 1) a father and his family (mostly men and their "supportive" wives) who came from the "getting things done" worldview ~~ so I feel it is expected of me and still, even though i KNOW that's not my strength, I want to measure up to that in some way; 2) a mother and her family who is full of intelligent yet trapped women, or women who honestly enjoy the role of mother and wife, or, love their home so much they don't give a crap about the husband ~~ I don't mean they don't love them, they just sorta see it more like a business arrangement, and it works for them. In other words, women whose lives are shaped by their domesticity. Guess which side I fall into. I am trapped by my domesticity. And I really like being domestic. I like my home. It's not that I don't like to travel or experience things outside of my little domain, in fact, i LOVE those things. It's just that I get strength and succor from my home. And when I am away for 11 hours a day (as is normal, and seen as appropriate in urban life), I can't do anything else except for work. I have to rest, at home, in order to have the energy to work. But, it's deadening, because I need the interaction of others outside of my dog and outside of work. I need to see the city. I need to experience the world again. To be invigorated and energized. My existence, for the past 9 months has been home, subway, work, subway, home and that's pretty much it. I'm done. toast. Miserable.

AND, back to the "getting things done" bit, my inability to work within that schemata makes getting out of the office, into the world of innovative go-getters, random and sketchy and never really rife with follow-up. Sooo, I get stuck in the office, supporting the go-getters, and being resentful as hell because I hate being stuck in the office and being support staff. Perhaps it's an attitude problem. Perhaps it's a gender (and domesticity) issue for them (and most importantly, me) ~~ i have been charged with all level of domestic issue with the building, that i don't see the male employees even thinking about. Perhaps I'm just in the wrong field and need to get into research and writing (preferably, working from my own fucking home, or at least not an 1 and 1/2 way).

I don't know. I guess it's time I stop trying so hard. I guess it's time I just stop, take an inventory and start to accept me for me, awkwardness, shallowness, lack of ambition included. And get a fucking job that mirrors what I CAN do, rather than what I think I should be doing because somebody in my family did it once or twice.

silly boys

monday night had me dancing with tony, making out with pete, mothering james and thoroughly enjoying myself.