FINALLY ~~ Realization #6

The vast majority of my angst has been based in my mourning the things that I loved about my life in the South. Really, almost like a friend! How strange!

Well. At least I know now and I can look forward to the new things that will come my way . . .

finally.

It's Business Time

I cry . . .

the thing about the thing

well. i have no fucking clue why i'm here. the getting here was easy enough. one phone call, one phone call, (and a couple of really bad miscalculations, but luckily, all seems to have been resolved) and i had a place to live, including bringing my dog. one month's deposit, no broker's fee and the deposit doubles as the last month's rent. one phone call, people. i guess what i'm trying to say is that anytime i tell the story of how i got here (which i won't tell you now), people inevitably say, "well, it was meant to be." I also thought so, too.

These days, I don't know what the hell to think. But back to the thing about the thing.

I took on this challenge, of up and leaving my tenured position (ain't nuthin', it was at a community college that gave you tenure after showing up for four years, they didn't so much care if you were drunk or sober, either. or, now that i think about it, how often you showed up) to the complete unknown of new york city. no plan except to get here. and i got here. the thought was that by accomplishing this i would do a combination of 1)shaking myself out of, well, myself and 2)accept myself. I've always lived with malaise, you see. Malaise tinged by awkward weirdness that doesn't amount to much as my mind is pretty undisciplined and concerned mostly with my angst (or, as an alternative, stupid boys), rather than actual, say, knowledge.

apropos to nothing, y'alls weatherpeople really suck, sooo annoying.

but, back to the thing about the thing: this workplace (!) of mine is so adept at pushing every single button i have. Even ones that I thought were over and done with. Ones I didn't know I had. Ones that are just who i am (ooooh, accepting myself, much?) It's amazing and at times a wonderful thing because it gives me the opportunity to try something else, another approach. Other times, I just want to hit people.

Though, I have to admit, my mood of late is generally of dumbfounded anger. Wanting to hit people is pretty much my MO. There will probably be more entries about the boy, also known as fucking coward asshole little little, and i mean, little man. It's a shame he knows how to use it.

anyway. 2007 has decidedly been NOT A GOOD YEAR.

On the virtues of dogs.

A friend of mine sent me this article, and I felt the urge to share.

one final entry about the boy

i took this picture of him leaving, in mesquite, texas. he was packing my car, and finally getting annoyed with all of my stuff, as i recall. i was driving from lubbock* to mississippi, he was back in texas for the holidays, 2005. We met in this hotel for a day or two. it was a lovely couple of days. i always liked this picture.

*i do apologize for such bad taste. it was just too good to pass up.

as it turns out,

i also take pictures on occasion. they sometimes turn out pretty well. i'll give you one or two or three, just for kicks.

These were taken in Arcos de la Frontera, Spain in summer of, i think, 2004

realization #5

i have a whole helluva lot to learn about community.

what i look forward to

having fun.
taking care of myself.
feeling like an actual human being.
loving somebody.
being loved back.
yoga.
serious exercise.
exploring nyc.
interesting books.
DANCING!!!!!!
traveling around nyc.
food, food, food, food, food, food, food, food.
cocktails.

i can't wait.

what the hell?

very strange week. it's as if everyone i know and love (well, not everyone, but a significant portion, anyway) is having a devastating week or two or three for one reason or another, all deeply personal and deeply and radically life changing.

hm. for the briefest moment, i wonder if something along those lines could be striking the boy, thus rendering him unable to deal with our little circumstance, but then quickly, i come back to my senses and realize, that it's too late to speculate about such and, i don't really care anyway. well, maybe a little bit, i do. how is that even possible?

and then there was nothing

and i mean nothing. and not to beleaguer a point, or anything, but that one ain't even thinking about trying to talk to me. 3 years? three years? i mean, it's not the 45 years my parents have spent together, or anything, but three years should amount to something, shouldn't they?

how do i really feel?

I think what is the most traumatic at the moment about the whole thing is that I've effectively been abandoned by this man. I can't believe I'm calling him a man. I think because if I call him a boy, it means that it's not his fault for abandoning me, he doesn't know any better. I'm just floored, actually. And I feel like a dumb-ass for actually being floored. My emotions: deep hurt, deep anger, betrayal, abandonment, surprise, relief, incredulousness . . . i suppose i could go on and on like that.

And I do wonder what the fuck is he thinking? Is he just NOT? Is it just too much to think about? Does he just not care? And the worst, for some reason, is he just happily or vengefully fucking somebody else right now so that he can't be bothered with me?

I'm at a bit of a loss of what to do. Do I call him? (oh, we've been playing a convenient form of phone tag for a couple of days now ~~ he calls when he knows I'm at work) Do I text him along the lines of, "fuck off"? Do I just quit thinking about how to communicate and just stop? That seems, well, not quite right, and a really good way NOT to achieve much closure. Maybe I'll just call right now and leave a message.


I called, of course, he didn't answer. I left a brief message essentially saying "I hate to leave a voice mail, but i'm not playing phone tag anymore. This is over." and i hung up.

So it goes.

and i didn't cuss at him? i didn't call him a irresponsilbe, meanspirited, cruel . . what? what could i possibly say to him that would make him hurt as much as i am hurting now?

absolutely nothing.

and then i guess what is even worse than him fucking someone else is for him to be relieved and not hurt or sad or something when he gets that message, whenever he gets it.

and then there was my buddy at work (a gardner at the local park), who, for no apparent reason at all brought me a handful of yellow flowers from the park today. he grinned at me like a little boy as he thrust out that fistful of flowers. he promised there were no bees in them. and then he turned around and walked out. just like that.

and then andy called to invite me to new orleans. i have no intention of calling that boy back, but i guess in the middle of this horrible, horrible week, it's just good to be not forgotten, or something like that?

well. i'm certainly in a state.

On not drinking

then you discover just how miserable you actually are!!!!! :)

lovely neighbors

The first thing you should definitely do when you move into town, any ole town, but it seems, especially, here, is get to know your neighbors. And do it as quickly as possible. Really easy for me because I'm actually pretty outgoing in certain circumstances and, make a thrice daily habit of walking my dog. When I first got here, literally, for hours. Ahhhh, the good ole days . . . But back to the neighbors . . .Even if just on a first name basis, get to know them, just so they get to know you and expect to see you and if they don't see you, then they wonder about it, and then maybe do something. I mean, this is a big ole city and very easy to get lost in the shuffle if you come knowing nobody. And, if you're an introvert (you knew i had to throw that in), because just day-to-day living here zaps any amount of social interaction that I would even think about having. So, sometimes, like this week, it's real easy to feel completely alone among the throngs and throngs and throngs and throngs and throngs and thr, okay, of people. It's real easy to fucking hate this place and wonder what the hell you are doing HERE. When you could/should be doing "it" (whatever "it" happens to be for you) some other place where it's not so freakin' relentless to just be here, i can't even imagine trying to get something accomplished.

anyway. this, as it so happens, is when those neighbors notice. or, maybe, they are looking for a little diversion themselves, and so you find yourself two doors down having rubbery hamburgers and surfacy but so well intended conversation (and typically, really good beer and/or wine). And you feed their kid soy-yogurt. and you stay for an hour or so. and it's plenty. and it's just NICE. and you don't feel so all alone. And you want to make them cupcakes and brownies or something. And one day, when the mood strikes, you do.

boy was i wrong

kidding myself about not feeling anger. wow-eeee. it's been awhile since i've been THIS hot about something. not to mention lots of grief, but that goes along with the territory.

and, of course, bp, or "the boy" as i like to call him (a bit of an age difference). Again, with the little arrangement we have, what is to be expected, but come on. COME ON. A little day-to-day wouldn't be such a bad idea. Texting "how are you holding up?" three days after our last phone call? I don't think so. Maybe I should call my next lover "the man", that way, he'd actually be one.

and then there was bp

Please keep in mind that I don't mean any of this as an indictment of any sort. He has done everything that can be expected of him in such a situation. Within the confines/freedoms of our cross country dalliances, he has always, always, always acted in such a way that I know on a deep level that he can be trusted, that he is doing absolutely everything in his power to recognize and in a different realm, touch the other and won't run away screaming from any situation. So, the universe decides to test us. yeppers, she does.

As could have been predicted, he responds with responsibility and concern and although comes at it from a completely different perspective, evidence of thoughtfulness about the situation. He offers an ear, he offers money, he offers support. What he doesn't offer is not something that I would expect from him anyway, nor would necessarily want. And therein lies the problem.

And in lieu of needless anger and resentment (for all manner of things concerning such a situation), what I find instead is the developing spider web cotton webbing that wraps around my heart, my lungs . . . the shutting down of vital organs where this person/subject/idea is concerned. I . . . feel . . . Nothing. And this, as we all know, is not a good sign, for a whole helluva lot of reasons.

Who knows how long this episode will last. Maybe 10 minutes, until I hear the phone ring (oh, that's right, I turned it off!), Maybe for years. Maybe forever. Who cares.

I just know that if I was loved the way that I want to be loved that he would be here, with me, just because.