the thing about the thing

well. i have no fucking clue why i'm here. the getting here was easy enough. one phone call, one phone call, (and a couple of really bad miscalculations, but luckily, all seems to have been resolved) and i had a place to live, including bringing my dog. one month's deposit, no broker's fee and the deposit doubles as the last month's rent. one phone call, people. i guess what i'm trying to say is that anytime i tell the story of how i got here (which i won't tell you now), people inevitably say, "well, it was meant to be." I also thought so, too.

These days, I don't know what the hell to think. But back to the thing about the thing.

I took on this challenge, of up and leaving my tenured position (ain't nuthin', it was at a community college that gave you tenure after showing up for four years, they didn't so much care if you were drunk or sober, either. or, now that i think about it, how often you showed up) to the complete unknown of new york city. no plan except to get here. and i got here. the thought was that by accomplishing this i would do a combination of 1)shaking myself out of, well, myself and 2)accept myself. I've always lived with malaise, you see. Malaise tinged by awkward weirdness that doesn't amount to much as my mind is pretty undisciplined and concerned mostly with my angst (or, as an alternative, stupid boys), rather than actual, say, knowledge.

apropos to nothing, y'alls weatherpeople really suck, sooo annoying.

but, back to the thing about the thing: this workplace (!) of mine is so adept at pushing every single button i have. Even ones that I thought were over and done with. Ones I didn't know I had. Ones that are just who i am (ooooh, accepting myself, much?) It's amazing and at times a wonderful thing because it gives me the opportunity to try something else, another approach. Other times, I just want to hit people.

Though, I have to admit, my mood of late is generally of dumbfounded anger. Wanting to hit people is pretty much my MO. There will probably be more entries about the boy, also known as fucking coward asshole little little, and i mean, little man. It's a shame he knows how to use it.

anyway. 2007 has decidedly been NOT A GOOD YEAR.