how do i really feel?

I think what is the most traumatic at the moment about the whole thing is that I've effectively been abandoned by this man. I can't believe I'm calling him a man. I think because if I call him a boy, it means that it's not his fault for abandoning me, he doesn't know any better. I'm just floored, actually. And I feel like a dumb-ass for actually being floored. My emotions: deep hurt, deep anger, betrayal, abandonment, surprise, relief, incredulousness . . . i suppose i could go on and on like that.

And I do wonder what the fuck is he thinking? Is he just NOT? Is it just too much to think about? Does he just not care? And the worst, for some reason, is he just happily or vengefully fucking somebody else right now so that he can't be bothered with me?

I'm at a bit of a loss of what to do. Do I call him? (oh, we've been playing a convenient form of phone tag for a couple of days now ~~ he calls when he knows I'm at work) Do I text him along the lines of, "fuck off"? Do I just quit thinking about how to communicate and just stop? That seems, well, not quite right, and a really good way NOT to achieve much closure. Maybe I'll just call right now and leave a message.


I called, of course, he didn't answer. I left a brief message essentially saying "I hate to leave a voice mail, but i'm not playing phone tag anymore. This is over." and i hung up.

So it goes.

and i didn't cuss at him? i didn't call him a irresponsilbe, meanspirited, cruel . . what? what could i possibly say to him that would make him hurt as much as i am hurting now?

absolutely nothing.

and then i guess what is even worse than him fucking someone else is for him to be relieved and not hurt or sad or something when he gets that message, whenever he gets it.

and then there was my buddy at work (a gardner at the local park), who, for no apparent reason at all brought me a handful of yellow flowers from the park today. he grinned at me like a little boy as he thrust out that fistful of flowers. he promised there were no bees in them. and then he turned around and walked out. just like that.

and then andy called to invite me to new orleans. i have no intention of calling that boy back, but i guess in the middle of this horrible, horrible week, it's just good to be not forgotten, or something like that?

well. i'm certainly in a state.