realization #9

I fucking hate this. I fucking HATE this. I hate having a 9-5 (or in my case, a 10-6). I hate that my fucking work day ends up being an 11 hour day, due to the (total) THREE hour daily commute. I hate that I have to kiss everybody ass that I work with because my approach is so vastly different that they don't what to make of me. I hate that because my non-profit salary job is also in the field of community development, in order to do a 1/2 way decent job, you are also supposed to work many nights per week and saturdays during the lovely seasons of spring and fall (because, you see, that is when communities can actually, well, develop, as they all have full time jobs, too). I hate that if I actually DID this, that eventually, the salary that I would make where I'm working, is 1/3 less than what grant writers in the city would make at 1/2 those people's ages. While I love doing something different everyday, I hate that my energies at work are so scattered that I can't do any one thing decently. I hate that I have no energy/time/money/geographical impossibility to do the things that I actually enjoy: from hiking with my fucking dog to spending a saturday cooking (this is what i used to do in lubbock to stave off the misery of west texas). I think I've "explored" maybe 5 times in the year and 3 months I've lived here. On occasion I'll stop by the neighborhood restaurant for a meal.

What the fuck? I could be living off a whole helluva lot less, and having a whole helluva LOT MORE MOTHER FUCKING FUN living somewhere else. No wonder I keep lamenting about the good ole very drunken days of west texas and the deep south.

I also hate that my cheering section as started saying things like, "Well, at least you know, if you hadn't taken that chance, you'd wonder until the day you died". Jesus. That's about the WORST reason to delve into the unknown that I can think of right about now. New York and BP. Two things I feel like I coulda done without the "experience", just so you could say you tried it. Give me a fucking break. I'm getting real fucking tired of these "experiences" and just want to what I'm supposed to be doing. Whatever the fuck that might be. Cuz, this sure as hell ain't it.