My New Book

Exploring NYC's Underground: Life on the D Train (or, how to get to the Bronx from Brooklyn and back in three hours)

Chapter 1: How to Spot a Tourist
They look happy.

Chapter 2: Peeking Above Ground
Home
Demographics: Hispanic, Eastern European, Asian, Muslim (in black dress), Hipsters
Coffee Shop: Dunkin Donuts
Alcohol: A round including 3 cocktails and 3 beers (excluding tip): $40
Nature: Dogs at the off-leash areas!!!!! Dirt paths you DO NOT go down.
Eligible bachelors: Old men, hipsters

Work
Demographics: Hispanic, Eastern European, Asian, Muslim (in bright dress), Hippies
Coffee Shop: Bodegas
Alcohol: A round including 3 shots and 3 beers (including tip): $16
Nature: dilapidated dog-run. Black squirrels (who knew?)
Eligible bachelors: Thugs

Chapter 3: Other Trains/Other Times
The D train ~~ Low energy, molded seats (everyone knows their spot) in a 7os fall themed palette. Each conductor has his or her own personality/cadence that signals whether or not you'll be late for work.

The 4 train ~~ High energy, new fangled (bench seats: everyone CRAMS in and very narrow thru-way: everyone CRAMS in) Fluorescent lights, chatty, LOUD and pre-recorded conductor spiels. How the hell are you supposed to know what time it is? Oh! It's on the marquee!!

Other Lines ~~ Wait. There are OTHER trains? OMG!

Morning: Standing room only (unless you are on the 4, then it's Packed - in - so - tight - you - don't - have - to - hold - on - to - anything). Either way, usually, blessedly quiet.

Daytime: Crazy people and people picky about their seats. Usually solitary (unless they are tourists, who look happy)

Evening: Standing Room Only, though typically chatter and some very exhausted souls. On the lucky occasion: train break-dancers; the one-armed harmonica player; the mariachi band (haven't seen those guys in a while . . .); the warbling spare change guy; the evangelist (in many incarnations)

Late Night: Very tired minimum wage people coming home from work, bright eyed intellectuals and and the occasional drunk ass (guess which category i fall into . . . ) BTW, most of the afore mentioned categories occupied by men.

Chapter 4: How to Position Oneself While Riding in the Subway or Can I drink NOW or Is it possible to Stand, Drink AND read a newspaper? What about a magazine? a book?